Adult kids - still at home?

The second true story in a series on teaching children money skills

Another friend of mine living in Sydney (I won’t provide his name this time) has created an affluent lifestyle for himself and his wife, and good on them for doing so. Smart, personable, hardworking, and from a very poor background they are a generous copuple. They have taken their kids all over the world travelling, live in a nice area, both children attended private schools, have nice cars etc.

Both children are living at home still and are well over 25.

Neither child is successful in their career or in money (unless you call sponging off parents and transferring their parents money to their own living costs and bank accounts successful). My friend and his wife didn’t intend for this to be the case, but for their own emotional benefit they have enabled this dependency for more than 10 years now. They have all sorts of reasons, but they are excuses (and dangerous at that) to their children’s futures.

Neither kid shows much appreciation or recognition of their own position in all this. They definitely take an entitled even arrogant view towards their parents and to others in general. A common reasomn is that its too expensive to move out...what utter rubish! Here's why......

I ask you, is this funding and allowing them to stay loving your children?

Is this teaching them adulthood and its responsibilities? Love is used by parents as a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free card’ for their own reasons and emotional baggage from their past. No matter how you dress this up its bullshit.

When you pay for an adult child’s living expoenses, say their dental bill, you are preventing your child from taking financial responsibility for their life. Do they have funds to go out to bars and eateries regularly, own smart phones and laptops, holidays overseas, drive a nice car etc? Do you think it helps to pay and pay……and pay?

Do you think they will learn how to function as full adults by doing this? Have you toted up the huge financial risk on your own future by diverting funds to be wasted like this?

I know only all too well how hard it is to say no to your child and watch a negative consequence as a result of saying no occur (even though I know I didn’t cause it). It’s hard wired into being a parent. Being a parent is tough at times.

So how do you break out of this perpetual destructive and un-loving cycle?

1. Admit that you may feel weak and want to pay out, because you love your kids.

2. Know that to do this is not love. It’s not about them. It’s about you in some way and they are paying the price for it.

3. Eat some cement and harden up! Harsh but true. When saying no to a situation, think about the greater and longer-term good you are doing for them. Don’t expect then to appreciate this for another 5 years.

4. Negative experiences are how humans learn and grow. Don’t deprive your kids from having bad financial experiences or hardship. It’s essential.

5. Don’t relent! Growing to be successful is about combinations of good and bad experiences. Stay the course- don’t relent! This is hard but crucial. If you give in what have you taught your children?

6. Put them on the clock..… 6 months from when education ceases they are paying market rent and board. 2 years on from that they are out of the family home. (Bedrooms make great hobby or games rooms).

7. Kids under age 15? Then read my next missive on how to help you kids wealth without hurting your own in getting their first home.

2 true funny sitautions.... I had a boss in Queensland 20 years ago whose 2 adult kids loved being in the parent’s big beautiful home, along with its food and clothes washing and pool……and wouldn’t leave. His wife paid a trip for them both to Bali for 6 weeks. ‘ Wow thanks Mum , thanks Dad’.

When they got home he and his wife had moved into an apartment on the river- just 2 bedrooms. He said, “there’s one bed in it and all your stuff is in storage- so choose who sleeps in it when.” Harsh but very effective. After 3 months their relationship is better than ever.

Another couple we know in England, had a simpler way; ‘naked days’. They would chose a day at random and be completely starkers in the house each weeks. Freaked the kids outs- they moved out.

Good luck